Why I Hate Shopping Centers – Reason 1

Shopping Center Logo If you read my review about the movie Fury you will know that I profoundly hate shopping centers. There are several reason for this hate, and I decided to post one every week. Enjoy.

Reason Number 1 – The Zombies

Zombies generally walk in hordes, and tend to block entire corridors, specially when you are in a hurry. They are actually normal human beings who are completely unaware of their surroundings, and walk like they have a fucked up muscle disease.

This is how they operate: first they assemble a group of zombies, then they chose a long narrow corridor full of people rushing from both sides, then they organize themselves in order to block the whole corridor, and finally something extraordinary happens in their brains…

I’m not sure what exactly is that goes on in their brains, but I guess it must be something like this: “Hey, what am I doing? Oh, wait, I’m walking, sooo… how does walking works? Oh, I remember, I have to move my legs! Wait, is it both legs at the same time or is it one after the other? Mmm… I think it’s one after the other. Ok, I’m going to move one leg, but which one? Mmmm… mmmm… I’m going to move the left leg first. Ok, it’s decided, I’m going to move it now. I’m going to move my left leg right now. Here it goes… wait for it… wait for it… almost… done! Wait, what was I doing?”

To deal with zombies you have to follow this instructions: first say “excuse me”, then wait for them to turn their heads around, then wait for them to realize they are obstructing the way, then wait for them to slowly move a little a bit to the side, and then pass through them as fast as you can before they decide to eat your brains.

I’ll be honest with you, when I’m in a hurry and I find myself behind this zombies I feel a strong urge to smash their heads with an iron pipe. Hey, don’t judge me, I’m not a bad person, and isn’t this the best way to kill zombies after all?

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Fátima – A brief article about my hometown

Fátima-logoI was born and raised in Fátima. Located in central Portugal this small town is a true magnet for religious people, and it is worldwide known. Nevertheless some of you may be wondering what makes Fátima so special. Well, instead of writing a whole page of history I’m going to show you an excerpt of a conversation I had a couple of days ago with a cherished friend. This small excerpt pretty much sums up the whole story:

Once upon a time
(in 1917 to be more specific)
three kids told everyone that a miracle was going to take place on a certain day
so thousands of people from all around Portugal came to see the miracle
and guess what? People did saw a miracle.
Normal cultures would have associated this case with UFOs and forget all about them,
but because this is Portugal they said it was god, and a sanctuary was built.
Since then, on every May 13th, many catholics from all around the world gather around in my hometown to make noise, cause car accidents and litter the streets with garbage.
The end.

Nowadays Fátima is full of small souvenir shops, and by souvenirs I mean religious related stuff. This town doesn’t have parks or recreational places, so if you live here you won’t find any good place to walk your dog, or stalk girls jogging in their leggings. Every square feet of green grass have been substituted with a souvenir shop.

In almost every shop you can find postcards, crucifixes to hang on a wall, crucifixes to hang on your neck, crucifixes to hang on your ears, crucifixes to hang on your wrists, crucifixes to hang in your car, lighters with the holy virgin stamped on it (which probably reduce the chances of lung cancer), and pocket knives with a stamped Jesus (in case you want to give someone a holy stab).

In some shops you can also find several things made of wax, like small holy Marys and baby Jesus, or even parts of human bodies, like hands, feet, and heads (which is not creepy at all), and if you look well enough at the back of some shops you can also find wax asses, that is right, wax asses, try saying it out loud. Selling wax asses is one of the few things in life that makes perfect sense, because who doesn’t want to have a wax ass on a shelf right next to a family picture?

I almost forgot, the town also has a big sanctuary. Inside you can find a church (dah!), a gold museum, and almost exclusively for priests there is also a canteen that puts some of the finest restaurants in the country to shame. Right next to the sanctuary you can also find a relatively new chapel that cost the modest quantity of 8 million euros. Inside this giant chapel you won’t find anything to see, except giant doors made of bronze and a big altar covered with four different kinds of gold. There is also a place where people burn candles to pray for their loved ones. The wax from this candles is then reused to make more candles, or some other things. In the rest of the town you can also find several houses for nuns, where you can take shelter for a night, if you’re willing to pay them well enough.

And that’s everything there is to say about Fátima.
Oh, did I mentioned the souvenir shops?

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